The Complexual

It seems like everything around me is crumbling

In this situation I’m afraid of so much. I still have thoughts of how it used to be and how angry sad and confused I was. How I used to shut myself down so that I could function. Those thoughts keep me up at night. They make my stomach hurt. I have anxiety attacks when I think of them. But I have an opportunity to have that again and I don’t want to lose it. The same thing that used to happen is happening again. People in my life tend to put up barriers against me just for the fact that they want me to break them down. It almost feels as if the inner instinct that humans have to want to have authority over someone comes out from within when they are around me. But I continue to try. Even through the pain and sadness that I go through. The same pain that no one seems to understand or even care about. When it comes to me people will ignore their faults and focus solely on mine. That hurts. I guess the phrase “it takes two to tango” is false. But who cares. I know what I want and when my mind and heart decide they want something I will put myself through so much pain and sadness to get it. I want something so bad right now that it hurts. The pain I used to get in my stomach constantly are back. The bad dreams are back. The lack of an appetite are back. But I can’t let it stop me. I want this so bad that I’m willing to put myself through this pain to get it. Most people would call me dumb. Tell me to just find something easier to accomplish. But easier doesn’t always make you happier. So my mind is made up. You guys will see a lot of posts that will be very sad and angry. But I need a place to release the feelings that I feel in order to accomplish what I want. If I keep it in depression will come back. This journey will be hard. Long. Painful. Lonely. But I want it.

So who wants to give me some advice?

This feeling I’ve had in my stomach the past two days has been the most uncomfortable thing ever. I wish my mind would just say what it’s thinking instead of falcon kicking me in the gut

So…..I’m going to quit smoking cigarettes. Smh. I need a replacement to calm my nerves. Who has some cocaine. Lol

sartorialdoctrine:

Sorry for my recent absence, I’ve been caught up with my new work. So, I thought I’d update you with a “WIWT”. Both the sportcoat and the shoes are brand new, what do you think? And the trousers look weird because it’s windy, so now that’s cleared out.

Sportcoat: Boglioli - Shirt: Del Siena - Trousers: Incotex - Tie: Fumagalli Sunglasses: Moscot - Socks: Berg & Berg - Bracelet: Random - Shoes: Ovadia & Sons. 

(Source: sartorialdoctrine, via thisfits)